come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my shit smells like andre
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
