He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.