my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.