Someone shit on the floor
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
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how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
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Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.