When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.