If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
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I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
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I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas