mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
