He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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