Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
