i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
