I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You made out with two different species that night
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
