If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
