i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize