So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
