I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
