I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
