i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
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The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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