got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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