we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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