I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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