had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize