You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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