i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
