There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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