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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
