So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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