Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
