my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
