Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
