I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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