you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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