Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
