just come out here and I will go home with you...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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