I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize