I have demons in me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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