Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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