I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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