She went from zero to smokin in five shots
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Terrible idea I love it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
