Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
