He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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