She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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