I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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