I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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