oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I am puke
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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