In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
