On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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