theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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