ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
