thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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