Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Drake has all the answers
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
