according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
