I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now