hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love