so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Mom said you looked used
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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