i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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