It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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