I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
