I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
